Tuesday Night

"find someone who can do something or enjoy life together with me," the thought has kept coming up in my mind recently, "if none can i find, then better is being alone."

the principle shall be guarded.

last night when i was lying on bed, it was raining cats and dogs outside.

i've always loved hearing the sound of raindrop hitting roofs and leaves.

beautiful it is.

one thing

i have come to realise is there seems no much meaning to struggle to make everyone agree with my opinions (or situation). in fact, it's never possible for others who stand at different places to understand different opinions. human nature or limit i would guess long time ago i already knew that, but throughout years i had been unwilling to give up on trying it, and then finally feel extremely exhausted. today thorough understanding has come telling me to let go. feel so good :-)

Full Stop of A Possible Relationship

Can we have a relationship work and yet keep private space with us? Pei Wen is a girl whom I have been in contact since my relocation in San Yi. Back then we were just friends occasionally hanging out or having dinners together, sharing things with each other. When you are under stress due to workload, feeling down because a relationship doesn't work out or life doesn't go your way, it helps to have a special friendship like this. It was relaxing and comforting, yet not strong enough to proceed to the next level. Even when she resigned sometime after we met, somehow we didn't even contact each other anymore. I guess we decided to just let go and follow the situation. However, in order to pay back the respect of her giving me a happy returns of the day, I sent a wish on hers as well. That was the start of our reconnection and it gradually became frequent. Four days after the Chinese New Year, she called and informed that her mom passed away and wished to meet up. Since then we met once a month, three weeks, two weeks, and then one week. The feeling between us developed from friendship to a bit further more. We were almost together with just one word. Last Saturday night after our dinner, I did a bit shopping and then drove her home. Before I left we stayed in my car taking our time chatting. Just when she asked me to spare every Saturday for her, something got into my mind and made me feel like "huh????" She kept on talking and talking, but my ears couldn't take in anything. All I was thinking were: "she's not a happy girl," "as she said she just needs somebody accompanying her," "she's not that into me," "in all of our conversations I do feel that she doesn't really care about me and my life, besides she's a bit willful and not understanding in some of my situations," "she's not willing to exercise, so the reasonable prediction is she might keep asking me to spare all my free time just for her instead of triathlons and marathons with friends. Let alone persuading her to join me." "No I can't make it," thought to myself while on my way back home. "I can't give up something like that!" "I can't change my life just for a relationship even I myself am not sure of," "No....no.....no no......." I totally cooled down. Next day I went bike riding with Zhi Wei and I spit this out when we took breaks. He's quite a good listener, and gave me some very helpful and reasonable thoughts. On Monday I replied her email and frankly told her about what I think. Her response was not that big, but the pacing between us seemed to have stopped since then. I'm glad I made this decision. I want to keep my life going. Unless somebody is willing to join me, grow up with me, enjoy life and exercise with me, I will never change it a bit.

practice roller

today was my first time using it 2 weeks after i bought it. the first 1 min i was swaying and couldn't balance myself until some time later, but i only lasted for 15 min (lol). it's a good practice kit especially on rainy days. hopefully i can last longer tomorrow.

no more class

after two lessons, on last friday i was not allowed to teach english anymore. the reason was i didn't attend the bible study, theology class, church ministry and sunday service, which the church leader reckons are a must, not even if i attend sunday service only.

well, that's fine. just like a friend of mine who's been back to his home country said "Christianity is not meant to be confusing." if people set up rules and regulations even to our faith, that is not a faith anymore.

i was overwhelmed by the leader's email last thursday evening, even the other teacher told me what the leader had told him which i myself didn't know of. but seriously i feel totally alright now, because i know i've what it takes to help people and build up their confidence. i believe where God wants me to go and what to do. i don't have to feel sad or angry just because of the rules and regulations set up by people who often misuse the name of God to stop people from doing something which they think are important to their lives.

English Class

today came through a question that, about gnosis, since it is so easy to see, why can people not understand?

probably doesn't matter, 'cause this question has lasted over 2000 years and to which no answer can be found immediately i guess.

even though, i'm ready to go back and start with an English class, to which i'm looking forward :-)

CNY

of this year is a bit different from before. have had more chance to chat with fa on the way back home from countryside. the conversation in the car alone was probably more than we had the last whole year, which is a good thing. i'm glad we have a breakthrough already.

mum's caught a cold since one month ago during which she had been coughing fiercely, and i was afraid she might have tubing infection. until four days ago her coughing started to ease, but then came the swell on her face and a lump under her ear. all of us were worried that it might be cellulitis, but today after CAT scan the doctor couldn't be sure about it. the only thing the doc can do for now is ask mum to take some antibiotics and get good rests, then go for another further check on wednesday.

i'm worried about it. truly. for now i can completely be sure the reason of coming back to taiwan is to spend sufficient time with family instead of working abroad. i can't afford losing family, neither can i bear nor just imagine it. the other day, not long ago, i suddenly noticed my parents have aged so much...and it seems getting really fast. that night when i was running, a lot of my childhood memories came rushing back in my mind. all my naughtiness and wrongdoings that could bring sadness to mum felt like knife stabing me. it was a complex feeling, and i almost cried.

fa and mum are now at the home in Long Tan, and this morning me and my sister will go there being with mum, making sure that she gets sufficient rest (she's almost like workaholic).

God...although i don't consider myself as a christian anymore, i still wish You could kindly lay Your hands on my family.

Things in Life

now at Starbucks. as i sit down and take the first sip of grande latte (hot of course), i've got some feeling to write something down, holding the book "The Gnostic Gospel", yet without feeling like reading it 'cause currently i'm still in the mood that brought me from yesterday's farewell meal with Anet and church family as well as feeling mixed with the song "Hold My Hand" by MJ and Akon. somehow at this moment, just like video tape rewinding, i'm brought to the life i've been through since being a small child. besides Anet, besides the church family, i thought of my junior high school life, thought of every alignment taught and disciplined by teachers, thought of every piece of feeling emerged from songs that i've listened to, thought of what every friend in my life has brought me, as well as my change and huge difference from the old self.
instead of alignment, uniformity, disciplines, rules, it is FEELING that has kept me, led me, and encouraged me. it might sound nonsense i know, 'cause it's far beyond description that every language can do. but one thing i can be sure is i love my family that has raised me up, i love my spiritual family that has been behind me all these years. i am very glad during the meal, some friends came and talked and listened to me much and eventually encouraged me to go back to CCCA. that is something, feels undescribable but good for sure. it makes what i've researched (doctrine, humanity...) seem unimportant anymore...Well, i'm not saying all these stuff i've been researching is nothing. those historical stuff are something which can help us human being inspect ourselves and understand ourselves more, as well as make us more knowledgable. yet i should never let anything stop me from enjoying the feeling and love from those who care about me.
i won't stop exercising, participating in triathlon and marathon, i won't stop swimming and cycling, won't stop researching on the history of Christianity, won't let myself be stopped doing anything i love. it's time to go back, i think....don't know when, but i know i'm now returning and going to go back soon :-)

one thing i hate

the idea of defining a person using horoscope is stupid

you hear people saying "well, i'm pisces, i'm romantic", "she's scorpio, and she's going to remember what you did to her and one day when she gets a chance she will probably stab you from behind", "i'm leo, and you know, i always do not feel ashamed of speaking out, i'm chatty"

what a nonsense!

Happy 2011

Last year, 2010, as i had expected in the end of 2009, was the year of change in my life.
Yet at the end of last year i did not have as strong feeling about what will be coming on in 2011, but i do have listed up some plans that i wish to do:

1. study graduate school in Translation and Interpretation (the application is going on);
2. 3-day bike-ride around the island (happens in mid-January, hopefully wind won't be freezing);
3. book reading, including the series of The Lord of The Rings;
4. finish 226km-Triathelon and some marathon games;
5. become healthier and slimmer;
6. international volunteer (which i didn't make it last year, turned out to be certificate of scuba diving and HK travelling);

Hmm, that's it. Simple, but plans make life meaningful.