Oct. 13th, 2012

This is my boy, born on Oct. 13, 2012. If I remember right, one or nearly two years ago I didn't want to have kids at all because of numerous reasons such as kids are hard to deal with, there is no hope for this world, I want a life with freedom. 

But, this all has changed since the day I started dating with my wife Canlace and the day we were foretold about the coming of our son.

Canlace and our son. People say the process of pregnancy and being in labour are a torture, we did experience them...well, at least I did witness them. As soon as I was called into the room what came into my view were my wife with legs open and big amount of blood and busy-in-busy-out nurses and our doctor. I was called in to support and encourage Canlace, but when the contraction came and she started yelling, I found I had no words to encourage her. If I were able to experience that even once in my life, I would probably know how to; but I was speechless but whispering "go! go! push! baby! You're doing great!" 

But...how on earth would I know she was doing great if I have never had such experience?

Foot print. So cute. 

Until the moment our son was born, I had been kind of worried about my wife's condition. She doesn't do much exercise, I had been worried the process might be difficult for her, even losing her life. It was a great relief to see both mum and kid were safe and sound. Then when I sat down, I realised that I have become a father.

My boy. So proud of him, so proud of my wife.

My mum and niece and my son.

This is an internet world. It would probably be hard to find someone who have no facebook accounts. People click "like" after you post your pictures on and give some words when they want. This is of course also what I have been doing especially when my son was born. I want this world to know about the birth of my son, I want people to know that I am proud of him and how great he has changed my life. But then I found I had been a bit depressed when seeing some regular friends didn't post their words and even didn't click "like". I had been wondering: do they not care about me? My son is born!!

Sleeping

But then a word came through my mind it said, "you shouldn't attract people's attention using your son. He is him, and you are you."

Don't know where this word might come from, God or...? But it did awake my awareness that I shouldn't try to be famous through my son. I should be totally proud of him. Whatever he will do, I should not be disappointed just because what he does doesn't go my way. From now on, what I have to do is to put my focus on him, my wife, my family alone. No others. Just us three.

Now Canlace is breastfeeding him, and I am writing my blog. My employer only gives three days to fathers of new born babies and today is my first day, but it's enjoyable just being with my wife and my son.

10:10pm, time to sleep.

I want to be a good father

My son is going to be born very soon, and I am really looking forward to the day. Today I saw an article talking how Jews teach their kids, and I found what the article says totally match with what I plan to do in the future. What it says include: let the child be themselves, parents should know themselves more, help children know themselves as early as possible, kids should eat on their own without parents’ help…etc. It also tells of not taking accompanying kids as a kind of responsibility. And, yes again, this is what I totally agree, but I will have to remind myself more of this in the future.
 
Many friends have asked me “your son is going to be born within a few weeks, are you feeling nervous now?” My answer to that is “Of course not”! I am expecting to see my son. I have been looking forward to see him since when I was still single. Nothing can change this, and I am not going to change as well.
 
The article also writes of some other things which are very important and make me reconsider about the way I am now, like am I still following others blindly rather than making decision based on my judgment. Jewish education doesn’t encourage obedience, and this is totally different from Taiwanese education. I even wonder, maybe this is part of the reason that Christianity is not popular in Israel. Well…this is not the case anyway.
 
I want to be a good father. My son is going to be born, and I expect to hold him in my arms. I want my kid to enjoy his life happily. I will respect what he wants to do (as long as they are good things). I want to make a deep emotional connection with him. Besides the role as a father, the role as a friend is what I wish to have with him in the future.
 
I am still thinking about what sort of name is best for my son. His Chinese name will beYou-Kai Huang (黃佑凱), and the relative English name I originally thought of wasEucan, which is the combination of my name (Eugene) and my wife’s name (Canlace) and reflects the meaning of confidence because it sounds like “You Can”; but then I decided not to adopt this name because of a friend whose daughter’s name is also the combination of his and his wife’s. (well, I would like to be creative.)
 
So…what name should I have for my son? Still thinking about it…

every once a while

about every once a while the idea of working and living abroad would come up in my mind. today it did, what's different is now i completely know it's my own wish instead of reasons like "it's for my kid", "it's for my family"...etc. i wish to see more, i wish to put myself in a totally different environment, i think this would be a good challenge, i always think so.

一日雙塔

This year I have not had many tournaments to go for, mostly because of our unborn baby. Our son has been kicking and punching since his 20 week of age. It feels so interesting and happy feeling his powerful kick, sometimes he responded our calls and touches on Canlace’s tummy. We are both very looking forward to our son Eucan.

I have focused more on bike-ridings this year. The biggest change is bicycle has become my transportation since early April. My original intention was to keep shape as the end of May was the wedding of me and Canlace. Of course I would not stop this habit after the wedding, so I have kept at it so far. The weather is getting hotter with the coming of July and August, I ride to the office through the city and back home over the mountain, just as usual. The mountain is farther though, it is much cooler and the riding is more enjoyable.

Last Saturday the Taiwan Iron Banana guys had a 240 km bike tournament at Hualian, and I thought riding bike everyday was enough; but then it turned our that I didn’t finish the whole race. The weather was too hot, Jovi came and got me into his car at my 150km. I was so frustrated and confused. Then when I thought back, the reason I didn’t finish the race was very probably because of two: 1. my practice has been in the evening not morning, I haven’t trained to endure hot weather; 2. the first 30km I tried to follow Jovi and other riders instead of pacing myself. Then at the end of 30km, I totally lost all my strength and couldn’t breathe properly, even I had no strength to get to my feet. I was so afraid of passing out and… A thought ran through my mind “what if I passed out and never woke up? What if I couldn’t see my unborn baby? What if I couldn’t see Canlace?...”

Next Friday I am going to challenge myself with a longer bike trip called Two Lighthouses in 24 Hours (一日雙塔): from Fu-Gui Lighthouse at the most northern tip of the island to E-Luan Lighthouse at the most southern, 522km in total. I will go with a friend from T.I.B., and if the trip is successful, then I will surely feel much better since the great failure of Hualian tournament.

Honeymoon to Malaysia

our first trip abroad, excited!!!

The Ride Before 113km Triathlon

113km triathlon race happened yesterday at Tai-Dong, originally i was going to drive with Jovi's family, but just when i mentioned this to parents two weeks ago, father rebuked this idea immediately. In the beginning i was a bit unhappy hearing it, but very soon later another idea popped up in my mind: "why not ride from Zuo-Ying to Tai-Dong?" Checked up route and distance, counted what i would have to bring along, made up my mind, then...replaced by excitement!!

I do have the idea of buying a car of my own, but this idea of riding in my beloved South Taiwan...even better.

At Zuo-Ying

Took first train (high speed railway) to Zuo-Ying, arrived at 8:30am. Unpacked the bike, packed up all stuff in my bag (6kg i guess...), then set off. The weather was warm and fabulous. Here all the riders and drivers were waiting for train's passing. The crossover of this type is quite rare in great Taipei nowadays, so seeing this and waiting here gave me a sensation of childhood memory.

At Ping-Dong county

 Things I love about South Taiwan include: it's very green; weather's good; people are enthusiastic and never shy giving cyclists a cheer-up shout. "ADD OIL!!!" so they say; more drivers give way to cyclists than those in Taipei; foods are cheap and delicious...etc etc.

At Ping-Dong county

Actually I wanted to take the photo for the sign, but my helmet blocked the view. lol!!! Says 105km to Tai-Dong county.

Near Ken-Ding

I love mountain and sea. Should grab some time for scuba diving...

Border between Tai-Dong and Ping-Dong

Here I called to mom and told her I have already arrived in Tai-Dong (actually not) and everything was fine.   (Well...i was more or less right because i was in Tai-Dong indeed, just in Tai-Dong county, not Tai-Dong city where i was heading for)

At Daren Township

Starving!!!!

65km to Tai-Dong city 

Here was the end of good weather. I was fumbling for raincoat and changing from clipless pedal shoes to slippers.)

28km to Tai-Dong city

Here i had to pull over because i found my T-shirt was totally soaked and was dripping like waterfall! It was due to warmness in the raincoat, not rain. That's why i usually don't put on raincoat while riding in rain.

Arrived at Tai-Dong! after over 180km distance ride.

Next Day: Ready for the Race

Random Post

I had an argument with father before yesterday. It was started by me mentioning that I need to drive to Tai Dong for Triathlon, and father rejected it fiercely right away. This was supposed to be a minor deal, however, further on father snorted and kept saying that I’m going to get married and why the hell I keep wasting time on triathlon races and bike thing. Bike thing, he said, I am so crazy that I degraded the importance of my job. He emphasized “your job is what you will use to raise your family in the future don’t you know that?”

Do I not know this? I think everyone who’s married or is not married yet knows this.

I bike so I disregard my job? I bike to my office, I bike when I get off work, I bike during holidays. In what way do I disregard my job?

I work, I earn money, but that doesn’t mean I have to become a president or manager or chief leader something like him in the future. Most people who are in high positions and are so into their works do not spend enough time with their own family: their kids, their spouses, their own parents even. If I can earn money enough for raising a family without having to be in higher position, if I can spend enough time being with my wife and kids, watching kids growing up, sharing every moment with them, then why do I have to struggle to become a leader?

Father had worked in Shanghai for over 13 years. He came back home every two months though, mom had been all on her own during this period of time. Well, not really on her own, of course we all have lived together. What I mean is there is a difference between having and not having your spouse with you. Canlace said to me she doesn’t want us living separately after getting married because a marriage like this means nothing at all. I don’t want this either. I’m not like my father, I’m not a workaholic. I don’t want to be like my father at all: I like to spend time caring people around me; I care about my friends; I care about how they feel and what they think in their hearts; to me friendship doesn’t mean at all I have to take some advantage from them (according to what he said to me), to me friendship means friends, love, being together, not being alone anymore, sharing not just happy moments but also sad and embarrassed feelings. This is what I want. I clearly know this. I know this is not what father agrees at all.

After the argument, I lost sleep nearly the whole night. I admitted I was really sad; but somehow I seemed to know this response beforehand, the pain in my heart was not that strong as it had been. All I did was lying on bed, thinking about moving out and buying a car of my own. I think this is probably the best way out, because father thinks he is always correct, not just before me, but also before many other friends of his. To me, there is no communication at all, he never listens to what I think, let alone thinks. In some movies, fathers always say “I’m proud of you, my son.” I wish to hear the same words from father, face to face and personally, instead of saying to other people. Father likes to show off, I prefer low profile.

Father seems never satisfied with things I’ve been doing: during my 3rd grade in college, I selected a Russian course. I enjoyed it and learned a lot about the language and its culture. Although the only two sentences I still remember are “good morning” and “bye, God bless you”, sometimes these are enough to surprise some Russian folks I met on streets, including a colleague of mine in the office. I’m happy to give surprise to people. But to father, no language including English can be more useful than Japanese and German. He gave me such response once I told him I was learning Russian: “why not German? Russian is shit meaningless.” I never mentioned how I enjoyed the class after he said that. I went to church, he said church is full of problems and political intensions; I didn’t exercise, he said I was overweight; I exercise now, he said I overdo it; I go to Toastmasters with James practicing speech in English, again he emphasized the importance of German and Japanese. Never from him fly positive comment and encouragement. He’s just always kept opposite opinions of what I think, always disagree with mocking words, yet sometimes he loves to tell people what I can do and how much English I can speak.

Like Morrie Schwartz, I have always wanted to be a good husband, lover, and a good father. I’ve been spending years on self-understanding. I wish my effort will not bring the feeling I have had to my wife and kid now and future. I want to bring happiness to them, I wish my kid will grow up being confident. Don’t be like me having taken ages before I found myself.

anxious

been feeling anxious lately. partly because of the wedding preparation, partly because of house under reconstruction, and partly because of...wishing to feel being cared and listened, feel that i'm mattered.

it seems quite easy to be impatient and get angry.

i need to find a place being alone. tomorrow, sounds perfect for it.

Heading for the Unknown

BIG SURPRISE sparks the beginning of 2012! everything feels completely different now. more responsibility and hope and curiosity seem to be coming. to my surprise, i'm happy with this change, which originally is not what i had really wanted.

look out at the sky, it looks different now, take a deep breath, the air smells different too.

this just feels...wow!

Everyone should learn to listen carefully first before making their voices.

Everyone should learn to listen carefully first before making their voices.

Why? I believe my personal situation today can be a good example.

I was on the way back to family gathering today, but I got lost in a place with same address but different township and I couldn’t get out of it (wrong address is another story). Everyone was calling me giving me direction, which I really appreciated; but one thing interesting was everyone was giving me direction before asking me where exactly I was. When I said I was near a big hospital (which is known locally), people seemed to not get what I said, they just told me to “you go that way, and then after sometime when you see the billboard, don’t mind it! Just keep going, and then turn right, after sometime just go left, when you drive for a while, go left again, and you will find a big road……)

Can anyone understand what the above is saying? Right, I don’t understand either! But everyone seemed to expect me to follow what they said, which is impossible because I hadn’t pointed out my location yet, besides I’m not from local! Funniest thing was a person asked me to “listen, I tell you, in front of you is a river, now you should turn around! Don’t go straight! Turn around!” AFTER I said twice that the river and the hospital were at my right hand side. Yes, after I stressed my location and the person still thought (or insisted) that the river was in front of me until I had to shout “STOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!! I-am-now-heading-south, the-river-and-the-hospital-are-AT-MY-RIGHT! RIGHT-HAND-SIDE!” then thing got better from this moment on.

Is this always the way people communicate? I mean: always voice before asking what the real situation is? And always expect others to understand their own knowledge in mind?

But I still appreciate their helps, really.

What a day…

Only God Knows

every day after work i always drag myself home with extreme tiredness. today is no exception, but a little bit different, because when i hopped off the train and got out from the MRT station, i heard a girl moaning to me while i was walking. i looked to where the sound came from, and saw the girl in green thin jacket didn't look well. to me she said she swallowed some pills last night and didn't feel right at the moment, and asked me if i know any small hospital nearby. i took out my phone and was going to dial 119, but she wasn't willing to take 119. her reason is she doesn't have insurance (not "doesn't have insurance card"). at this moment something came into my mind: i started a little doubting her motivation, wondering what plans could be in her mind, what she would ask me for. an old lady nearby came and tried to get what was going on, and then she started to ask the girl some questions like why she didn't want to go to big hospital, why she was going now instead of last night after swallowing the pills. she then asked me if i could lend her NT100, she said she could give me her phone number so i can dial and prove it right away. dilemma was in my mind, i didn't really know what i should do. it was not because of NT100, it was the thought "what if she is really in difficulty?" and then i decided to give her NT100 without proving it by dialing.

on the way home i was kind of sad because of my first thought of mistrust. but now i reckon i did the right thing: i didn't dial the number. i don't know what would happen after dialing it, but i suppose if i would dial, i would use my own hand phone instead of using a public one to make my own number unknown. better to keep my own number secret, as for the NT100, well, i would persuade myself that "what if she was really in need?"

Jan. 7 2012

i have given much thought about changing job. i think it's time, but not sure if this is the right decision. there has been much going on in my mind. i do need a sense of achievement from my job, or probably a sense of refreshment, i need the feeling of being needed. i don't know if these will be found in the next job, which then i come into understanding that more careful and deeper consideration is required.

what i have done are visiting and deciding the shop of wedding gowns, preparing and finishing several translations and two big presentations for the classes, being hectic from my job, hanging out with friends and girlfriend, running, bike riding, and....i can't remember. all i know are my life is busy, my mind is busy, just busy. i can briefly slip out of reality by doing exercises and watching The Walking Dead, but later on falling back to the same foul reality. still have to face what i'm doing after all.

i think most of foul feelings come from the job, so i reckon maybe the knot can be untied through getting a different one (or different something to do if not too straightforward). but question is, is this going to be the way out? i'm not sure. every time when i have the pulse to switch job, another feeling comes up seeming to tell me to think twice and make sure if this is the right time. this is one thing. the second thing is i wish to work abroad, which means less time with family and then leads to my hesitating if this is right thing to do. thirdly salary, what if the next one can't fulfill my living expenses now and after getting married?

these are no easy questions, but not that hard i know. what i need probably is just a kick. i need some motivation, something, someone to motivate me to do it.

By the way, happy new year!