Life

Sometimes, it's enough only to see the person is having a good life

:-)

i know i can

"there is no can't in ironman"

"pain is about seeing how strong you are, mentally"

quoted from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W_WTFASVCU&feature=related

--

My first triathlon happened on Oct 17, last year. It was 123km and until that I never thought one day I would do it. I did, and I made it. At the end of that day I swore to myself, "I wanna do 226km the next year."

I have never forgot it. During the past one year I have done running almost every day just to achieve this goal I have set for myself. It's coming this Saturday, however, unlike last year, I do not want to just finish the race, I want to see how best I can achieve. Who knows? I myself won't know it until the end of the race, let's see.

"Pain is about seeing how strong you are, mentally." Looking back to the past one year's practice, I find I can't agree more with what I heard from the video. Wish my family and friends will know this, because all of this has been beneficial to my personality. Not only can it better our health, but also take us to a higher level of mentality.

Socrates

today in the morning class, i read this paragraph which speaks really to the bottom of my heart. it is from Socrates' teaching. actually i have already done more or less the same thing during the past few years and have been benefited through this way, but i didn't have any idea that Socrates had already taught about this. i should have thought of learning from his teaching, darn!

anyways, here is what's about his teaching, taken from "MYSELF and other more important matters" by Charles Handy:

"Plato's Socrates was the great inquisitor, always questioning, always probing for the underlying assumptions. In later years I remember being told that if you continue to ask 'Why?' three or four times you will eventually get to the bottom of someone's often unconscious motivations. I have used the method myself:

'Why did you adopt this strategy?'

'Because it offered the best return on our investment.'

'Why do you use that criterion?'

'Because that is what our investors expect.'

'Why are they the sole arbiters of your decisions?'

'Because that's the way business is.'

'Why is it that way?'"

to me this is a very powerful and stunning paragraph that speaks to my heart. now, after so many years of searching for self or self-awareness, i have considered myself as an inquisitor and i know i will always be one. i know it's impossible for me to merely believe one thing (even the existence of Gods) without internalising it by carefully thinking. i need to know why and what i believe. about the phenomenon of people always trying to persuade others "don't think, just believe," i reckon that as a way of controlling people's minds and constraining their creativity, which can often be found in most churches. (the other day i received an email telling that Jews have been teaching their young generations to always ask questions instead of looking for answers. this is totally different from the way taught in churches.) Until this, over and over again when i look back to what had happened to me, i don't feel regretful about the decision of leaving the church anymore.

Socrates, i should spend time on reading more books about him and his mindset.

its time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5y_G73RmRk

Let's Get Married by The Proclaimers

probably it's time for this.

well, what am i going to do next?

Scuba Diving - 5/15

a place nicknamed "church" due to its spot and lighting which give a sense of holy and peace

photo by 王佑年

photo by 王佑年

I've been fortunate enough to have this trip with my friends (colleagues also) at Green Island. During the trip the most asked question has been "why not stay longer? why don't you spend one more day here?" yes this is a fair question as we have come this far through hours of train and ferry (and throwing up) after all, but i decided to make the most of these two quality days, achieve things like play, get back the sense of maneuvering my attitude under water, running around the island (a spur of the moment decision), breathe in fresh air, enjoy the undisturbed night, watch the night sky, chat with friends and the newly known scuba mates, and...think... thank God, these things are achieved, and then it's time to go back home with satisfaction. however long i stay is not that important.

i don't have an under water camera yet, i know i will purchase one in the near future. until then the thing i need to do is to maneuver my attitude well enough for the sake of coral reef and many countless other lovely marine lives. the newly known scuba mates will send pictures to me via email, and surely i will share them up! can't wait!

There is a beautiful place we visited today, which is called "the church", around which is spacious, bright blue, along with two cliffs touching against each other and between which penetrating in the sunlight. one side of the cliffs has a horizontal area (like ceiling) below which i can fly with belly up and see my own exhaled breath taking shape as countless bubbles spreading out and running up to every pits in the ceiling. many times have i seen the water running into pits at the seashore, but this time this one is upside down, interesting! the sunlight radiating in between is especially an important element for the peaceful spot which is no wonder called The Church. thoughts running through my mind when i was staring up from the church, even, even, thinking about what it might be like under the ocean of Titan (the guardian moon of Saturn, which is thought to possibly contain life form outside The Earth). can there be life down there, even the tiniest one? can human scuba dive in that very ocean composed of methane with same diving gear? my dream perhaps is one day to be able to eye witness it!

Tuesday Night

"find someone who can do something or enjoy life together with me," the thought has kept coming up in my mind recently, "if none can i find, then better is being alone."

the principle shall be guarded.

last night when i was lying on bed, it was raining cats and dogs outside.

i've always loved hearing the sound of raindrop hitting roofs and leaves.

beautiful it is.

one thing

i have come to realise is there seems no much meaning to struggle to make everyone agree with my opinions (or situation). in fact, it's never possible for others who stand at different places to understand different opinions. human nature or limit i would guess long time ago i already knew that, but throughout years i had been unwilling to give up on trying it, and then finally feel extremely exhausted. today thorough understanding has come telling me to let go. feel so good :-)

Full Stop of A Possible Relationship

Can we have a relationship work and yet keep private space with us? Pei Wen is a girl whom I have been in contact since my relocation in San Yi. Back then we were just friends occasionally hanging out or having dinners together, sharing things with each other. When you are under stress due to workload, feeling down because a relationship doesn't work out or life doesn't go your way, it helps to have a special friendship like this. It was relaxing and comforting, yet not strong enough to proceed to the next level. Even when she resigned sometime after we met, somehow we didn't even contact each other anymore. I guess we decided to just let go and follow the situation. However, in order to pay back the respect of her giving me a happy returns of the day, I sent a wish on hers as well. That was the start of our reconnection and it gradually became frequent. Four days after the Chinese New Year, she called and informed that her mom passed away and wished to meet up. Since then we met once a month, three weeks, two weeks, and then one week. The feeling between us developed from friendship to a bit further more. We were almost together with just one word. Last Saturday night after our dinner, I did a bit shopping and then drove her home. Before I left we stayed in my car taking our time chatting. Just when she asked me to spare every Saturday for her, something got into my mind and made me feel like "huh????" She kept on talking and talking, but my ears couldn't take in anything. All I was thinking were: "she's not a happy girl," "as she said she just needs somebody accompanying her," "she's not that into me," "in all of our conversations I do feel that she doesn't really care about me and my life, besides she's a bit willful and not understanding in some of my situations," "she's not willing to exercise, so the reasonable prediction is she might keep asking me to spare all my free time just for her instead of triathlons and marathons with friends. Let alone persuading her to join me." "No I can't make it," thought to myself while on my way back home. "I can't give up something like that!" "I can't change my life just for a relationship even I myself am not sure of," "No....no.....no no......." I totally cooled down. Next day I went bike riding with Zhi Wei and I spit this out when we took breaks. He's quite a good listener, and gave me some very helpful and reasonable thoughts. On Monday I replied her email and frankly told her about what I think. Her response was not that big, but the pacing between us seemed to have stopped since then. I'm glad I made this decision. I want to keep my life going. Unless somebody is willing to join me, grow up with me, enjoy life and exercise with me, I will never change it a bit.

practice roller

today was my first time using it 2 weeks after i bought it. the first 1 min i was swaying and couldn't balance myself until some time later, but i only lasted for 15 min (lol). it's a good practice kit especially on rainy days. hopefully i can last longer tomorrow.

no more class

after two lessons, on last friday i was not allowed to teach english anymore. the reason was i didn't attend the bible study, theology class, church ministry and sunday service, which the church leader reckons are a must, not even if i attend sunday service only.

well, that's fine. just like a friend of mine who's been back to his home country said "Christianity is not meant to be confusing." if people set up rules and regulations even to our faith, that is not a faith anymore.

i was overwhelmed by the leader's email last thursday evening, even the other teacher told me what the leader had told him which i myself didn't know of. but seriously i feel totally alright now, because i know i've what it takes to help people and build up their confidence. i believe where God wants me to go and what to do. i don't have to feel sad or angry just because of the rules and regulations set up by people who often misuse the name of God to stop people from doing something which they think are important to their lives.

English Class

today came through a question that, about gnosis, since it is so easy to see, why can people not understand?

probably doesn't matter, 'cause this question has lasted over 2000 years and to which no answer can be found immediately i guess.

even though, i'm ready to go back and start with an English class, to which i'm looking forward :-)

CNY

of this year is a bit different from before. have had more chance to chat with fa on the way back home from countryside. the conversation in the car alone was probably more than we had the last whole year, which is a good thing. i'm glad we have a breakthrough already.

mum's caught a cold since one month ago during which she had been coughing fiercely, and i was afraid she might have tubing infection. until four days ago her coughing started to ease, but then came the swell on her face and a lump under her ear. all of us were worried that it might be cellulitis, but today after CAT scan the doctor couldn't be sure about it. the only thing the doc can do for now is ask mum to take some antibiotics and get good rests, then go for another further check on wednesday.

i'm worried about it. truly. for now i can completely be sure the reason of coming back to taiwan is to spend sufficient time with family instead of working abroad. i can't afford losing family, neither can i bear nor just imagine it. the other day, not long ago, i suddenly noticed my parents have aged so much...and it seems getting really fast. that night when i was running, a lot of my childhood memories came rushing back in my mind. all my naughtiness and wrongdoings that could bring sadness to mum felt like knife stabing me. it was a complex feeling, and i almost cried.

fa and mum are now at the home in Long Tan, and this morning me and my sister will go there being with mum, making sure that she gets sufficient rest (she's almost like workaholic).

God...although i don't consider myself as a christian anymore, i still wish You could kindly lay Your hands on my family.

Things in Life

now at Starbucks. as i sit down and take the first sip of grande latte (hot of course), i've got some feeling to write something down, holding the book "The Gnostic Gospel", yet without feeling like reading it 'cause currently i'm still in the mood that brought me from yesterday's farewell meal with Anet and church family as well as feeling mixed with the song "Hold My Hand" by MJ and Akon. somehow at this moment, just like video tape rewinding, i'm brought to the life i've been through since being a small child. besides Anet, besides the church family, i thought of my junior high school life, thought of every alignment taught and disciplined by teachers, thought of every piece of feeling emerged from songs that i've listened to, thought of what every friend in my life has brought me, as well as my change and huge difference from the old self.
instead of alignment, uniformity, disciplines, rules, it is FEELING that has kept me, led me, and encouraged me. it might sound nonsense i know, 'cause it's far beyond description that every language can do. but one thing i can be sure is i love my family that has raised me up, i love my spiritual family that has been behind me all these years. i am very glad during the meal, some friends came and talked and listened to me much and eventually encouraged me to go back to CCCA. that is something, feels undescribable but good for sure. it makes what i've researched (doctrine, humanity...) seem unimportant anymore...Well, i'm not saying all these stuff i've been researching is nothing. those historical stuff are something which can help us human being inspect ourselves and understand ourselves more, as well as make us more knowledgable. yet i should never let anything stop me from enjoying the feeling and love from those who care about me.
i won't stop exercising, participating in triathlon and marathon, i won't stop swimming and cycling, won't stop researching on the history of Christianity, won't let myself be stopped doing anything i love. it's time to go back, i think....don't know when, but i know i'm now returning and going to go back soon :-)

one thing i hate

the idea of defining a person using horoscope is stupid

you hear people saying "well, i'm pisces, i'm romantic", "she's scorpio, and she's going to remember what you did to her and one day when she gets a chance she will probably stab you from behind", "i'm leo, and you know, i always do not feel ashamed of speaking out, i'm chatty"

what a nonsense!

Happy 2011

Last year, 2010, as i had expected in the end of 2009, was the year of change in my life.
Yet at the end of last year i did not have as strong feeling about what will be coming on in 2011, but i do have listed up some plans that i wish to do:

1. study graduate school in Translation and Interpretation (the application is going on);
2. 3-day bike-ride around the island (happens in mid-January, hopefully wind won't be freezing);
3. book reading, including the series of The Lord of The Rings;
4. finish 226km-Triathelon and some marathon games;
5. become healthier and slimmer;
6. international volunteer (which i didn't make it last year, turned out to be certificate of scuba diving and HK travelling);

Hmm, that's it. Simple, but plans make life meaningful.