Random Post

I had an argument with father before yesterday. It was started by me mentioning that I need to drive to Tai Dong for Triathlon, and father rejected it fiercely right away. This was supposed to be a minor deal, however, further on father snorted and kept saying that I’m going to get married and why the hell I keep wasting time on triathlon races and bike thing. Bike thing, he said, I am so crazy that I degraded the importance of my job. He emphasized “your job is what you will use to raise your family in the future don’t you know that?”

Do I not know this? I think everyone who’s married or is not married yet knows this.

I bike so I disregard my job? I bike to my office, I bike when I get off work, I bike during holidays. In what way do I disregard my job?

I work, I earn money, but that doesn’t mean I have to become a president or manager or chief leader something like him in the future. Most people who are in high positions and are so into their works do not spend enough time with their own family: their kids, their spouses, their own parents even. If I can earn money enough for raising a family without having to be in higher position, if I can spend enough time being with my wife and kids, watching kids growing up, sharing every moment with them, then why do I have to struggle to become a leader?

Father had worked in Shanghai for over 13 years. He came back home every two months though, mom had been all on her own during this period of time. Well, not really on her own, of course we all have lived together. What I mean is there is a difference between having and not having your spouse with you. Canlace said to me she doesn’t want us living separately after getting married because a marriage like this means nothing at all. I don’t want this either. I’m not like my father, I’m not a workaholic. I don’t want to be like my father at all: I like to spend time caring people around me; I care about my friends; I care about how they feel and what they think in their hearts; to me friendship doesn’t mean at all I have to take some advantage from them (according to what he said to me), to me friendship means friends, love, being together, not being alone anymore, sharing not just happy moments but also sad and embarrassed feelings. This is what I want. I clearly know this. I know this is not what father agrees at all.

After the argument, I lost sleep nearly the whole night. I admitted I was really sad; but somehow I seemed to know this response beforehand, the pain in my heart was not that strong as it had been. All I did was lying on bed, thinking about moving out and buying a car of my own. I think this is probably the best way out, because father thinks he is always correct, not just before me, but also before many other friends of his. To me, there is no communication at all, he never listens to what I think, let alone thinks. In some movies, fathers always say “I’m proud of you, my son.” I wish to hear the same words from father, face to face and personally, instead of saying to other people. Father likes to show off, I prefer low profile.

Father seems never satisfied with things I’ve been doing: during my 3rd grade in college, I selected a Russian course. I enjoyed it and learned a lot about the language and its culture. Although the only two sentences I still remember are “good morning” and “bye, God bless you”, sometimes these are enough to surprise some Russian folks I met on streets, including a colleague of mine in the office. I’m happy to give surprise to people. But to father, no language including English can be more useful than Japanese and German. He gave me such response once I told him I was learning Russian: “why not German? Russian is shit meaningless.” I never mentioned how I enjoyed the class after he said that. I went to church, he said church is full of problems and political intensions; I didn’t exercise, he said I was overweight; I exercise now, he said I overdo it; I go to Toastmasters with James practicing speech in English, again he emphasized the importance of German and Japanese. Never from him fly positive comment and encouragement. He’s just always kept opposite opinions of what I think, always disagree with mocking words, yet sometimes he loves to tell people what I can do and how much English I can speak.

Like Morrie Schwartz, I have always wanted to be a good husband, lover, and a good father. I’ve been spending years on self-understanding. I wish my effort will not bring the feeling I have had to my wife and kid now and future. I want to bring happiness to them, I wish my kid will grow up being confident. Don’t be like me having taken ages before I found myself.